Always a Bridesmaid, Never the Bride

Do you find yourself in so many weddings but it’s not your own? One after another, your friends seem to get engaged and you are asked to be one of the bridesmaids.  This is the story of your life, that famous quote, “Always a bridesmaid, never the bride”.  

You should be grateful that you are asked to be in the wedding party. That means your friend cherishes you to be part of her special day. You need to realize that this is an honor to be part of. Let me ask you this, if this was your wedding day, wouldn’t you want your single friends to celebrate with you? Why then while you are still single, would you be a sourpuss on your friend’s wedding? It’s not about you, it’s about the bride. If you cannot be happy and celebrate with your friend that is getting married, how do you expect that God is going to bring you that special mate? No wonder you are not married yet.

Any wedding, whether it’s your friend or worse, your enemy, you should have the attitude of celebration. The bible says in Matthew 7:12 –

Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.  

This is the Bible’s Golden Rule! God sees your heart’s desire to get married and he wants to bless you with a mate. But I truly believe God makes us wait to see how we re-act to others being blessed before it’s our turn. You see, it’s about our heart-condition. We need to be happy for others instead of griping and complaining. I love Joyce Meyer when she preaches on selfishness. She moves across the stage like a robot with a broken record repeating the words, “What about me, what about me, what about me?”  

When you complain and grumble about not being married, it can become bitterness and jealousy in your heart towards others that are being blessed.  This is not the right attitude to have and God is not pleased with it. It reminds Him of a child throwing a tantrum because the child does not get his/her way. Do not be like this child, but instead be that child of God that is pleasing & acceptable to Him. Here is what you need to do to please God in this area…

The more you celebrate and support someone in their wedding plans & marriage, then it will also be done unto you when it is YOUR turn.  Wedding plans are stressful enough and you want to be the biggest fan and encourager to the bride and groom. This is about them, not you. If you take this time to celebrate and make them feel special, then when it’s YOUR turn, you are going to be more blessed and stress-free!!! If you don’t change your bad attitude, you may never get YOUR turn.

Also look on the brighter side of this – you will get more experience with weddings of what to do and what not to do. Learn as much as you can and get some great ideas from others. So by the time it’s YOUR  turn, you will have the most perfect wedding of all!  Remember, being single is just a season in your life. It’s what you do during this season that will determine your future. Celebrate with others now. Remember  the Golden Rule!

A Trophy Wife

This is a continuation of my last blog in facilitating a co-ed relationship class of forty men and women.  A question that was asked by the women to the men was, “Why do men like blondes, who are super skinny and with big boobs?”   

Before we continue the discussion from the class, let’s take a moment to learn more about this statement. If we are to put a label to this statement, it would be a “Trophy Wife (or Girlfriend)”. So, I decided to go surf the internet for a definition. Here is what I found from various people:

• A woman who marries for money and sits around all day looking pretty
• A sugar daddy that provides power and materialist things and she  provides beauty and sex
• Trophy wives do three things: lunch, tennis, and their rich sexy husbands
• A bimbo who sits at home all day giving out to the pool boy, while reading Hello! and OK magazine, and drives a  Mercedes ML
• A title many women only wish they were pretty enough to attain
• A trophy wife is a “deer” with a “big rack” you “mount” in the den.
• An attractive, well-bred younger woman who has a social grace necessary to accompany him to public  functions

And of course, I had to get the truth from Wikipedia (with a hint of sarcasm). Their definition is that it refers to the historical practice of warriors capturing the most beautiful women during battle to bring home as wives, even if most modern trophy wives are acquired through other means.

Now that we understand the definition by the world’s standards, let’s get back to the co-ed class. After that question was asked, I sensed it touched a bunch of nerves with the guys. Some guys laughed while others rolled their eyes. A guy spoke up and said he took offense to this. Then others follow suit.

One female tried to make them understand why women think this. But the guys continue to defend themselves about this stereotype women put on them. I sense the women were afraid to speak up any more because the outspoken guys were starting to become overbearing in their voices.

I finally stepped it to hopefully give more clarity to the guys about it. Our society has plastered this image of a woman in physical beauty. Look at all the celebrities, movies, music videos, and even commercials. As women, we cannot compete with this unrealistic image that supposedly portrays beauty. Because of this, it produces low self-esteem and insecurities within women. Plus it doesn’t help when women are hurt by past relationships of guys who prefer this stereotype image over a plain Jane. After some serious discussion, the guys in the room said they can understand why women would think that, but not to place all men in that category.

I totally agree with this, because I know I was once a man-hater because of guys that treated me badly. That is not fair to the other guys out there that are decent. In return, guys cannot put such a high expectation on women’s appearance. Think about this, what if your trophy wife got into a car accident and her face was all jacked up? Then what? Will you trade her in for another trophy wife since she doesn’t have the look anymore?

Would you agree with me to say that a Trophy Wife is someone that is on display for her beauty? Do you know the Trophy Wife is in the bible? Come look with me in Isaiah 61:3 – They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. We are considered to be the bride of Christ and he wants to show us off as his Trophy Wife. WOW, that’s profound!

See, the physical beauty is what man wants to show off to the world, but it goes deeper than that. God wants to show off the inner-beauty which outweighs the outside appearance. When God displays your inner beauty, it will overflow and radiate outwardly. Physical beauty fades away, but spiritual beauty lasts forever.

Ladies, ask yourself this…”What kind of Trophy Wife do I want to be?” And gentlemen, ask yourself this…”Do I want a Worldly Trophy Wife with her beauty being temporary or a Godly Trophy Wife with her beauty being everlasting?”

Why are men so competitive?

We all know how competitive men are, but do we really know the reason why they are this way? In wanting to understand more about the male species, I decided to try an experiment and go straight to the source – men! I have had many years of teaching on dating, relationships, and sexuality for women, but not guys. So I had a male co-worker teach class simultaneously to the guys. We brought the genders together to one class. The object of this co-ed class was to understand one another.

There are so many assumptions and the only time one can learn about the other gender is in a relationship but by then it’s too late. Everyone needs to learn more about the other gender PRIOR to getting into a relationship. This can save a lot of headaches, heartaches and frustration.

The women were outnumbered in the initial gathering. There were well over 30 guys and about 10 women. I didn’t want the women to feel intimidated so I made sure I spoke up for them. With my personality, writing a book and the leadership position I had, the guys had to listen, so the women really did have the advantage even though there were more guys.

I decided to start off with what I thought would be a simple question but turned into a big discussion. The question, “Why are men so competitive”? The answer was this, “It’s in our blood, it’s in our DNA”. Some even went deeper, “This is how God made us”.  At first, I thought what a cop-out. But then as the guys continue to share why they are so competitive, my view started to change about the answer they gave.  They stated a valid point of being forced into competition as a child in some sort of sport. Then there was the locker room talk about females with pressure coming from their buddies. They had to learn to be competitive. What a valid point!

Someone also acknowledged that it is even like this in the animal kingdom where predominately the male is trying to make a statement for status. It’s usually to win the female from another male. Interesting! Okay, so the women got it and understood this.  

Now, that’s understandable about being competitive against other guys, but then another question came up, “Why are guys competitive in a relationship?” For example, you’re on a date to play miniature golf and it seems like the guys take this game seriously.

Once again, the majority of the guys said, “That’s how we are made”.  Most of them laughed and agreed as they were all on the same team and not being competitive at all with this statement. I was surprised that one guy finally spoke up and said, “Not all guys are like that. I don’t have a problem with letting her win. I would let her win on purpose if it makes her happy.” 

I was glad to see there was at least one sensitive guy in the group. Shortly after this, a couple of more guys jumped on the band-wagon agreeing that it is no big deal letting their date win in some type of competition. I noticed this put smiles on the women’s faces and everyone came to a better understanding on this topic.

Now, the guys in return, agreed that women are competitive as well. The women spoke up and said their competition is with other women. This can be competitive in appearance, family and/or love. So true! The guys didn’t realize women compete for their attention. This put smiles on faces of a bunch of the guys. Yes! The battle of the sexes is now even. The smiles on the faces show a sense of understanding and agreement among them. Everyone was happy!

The bottom line is that we are all competitive in something. It’s just more obvious with men. Just make sure that the competitiveness does not affect the other person in a negative way. Remember if you are in a relationship, you should not be competitive with each other. You are both on the same team. You should be supporting and encouraging one another, not tearing each other down. This will make or break a relationship.

 

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

It’s Time For Your Spiritual Make-Over

As the summer season is coming to an end, I am itching to get a new look for the fall season. Just once, I wish I can throw everything out of my closet and start over. That’s why I love the show “WHAT NOT TO WEAR”. They make the participant throw everything out of their closet and let’s them shop for a whole new wardrobe! That’s a dream come true, although there were some women that were crying because they didn’t want to get rid of their style of clothes or their hair style. WHAT? Every female would love the $5,000 shopping spree plus hair & makeup. The best part is that it is a fresh start!

Change is a hard thing for everyone to embrace. But change will happen whether we like it or not. There are some changes that are out of our control, but then there are those changes that we choose to make. Now, it’s a choice when it comes to our spirituality. One of my favorite passages in the bible is Isaiah 61:3. If you like going to the spa, then you will love getting a spiritual make-over as the scripture states:

Provide for those who grieve in Zion– to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Let’s take a look how this passage correlates with our past, present and future. Our past consists of the ashes, mourning and spirit of despair that we have to live through our lives. The past has full of grief, sorrow, hurt, pain, bitterness, un-forgiveness, etc. The majority of the issues we have from our past have to do with relationships with others. This may include relationships with our parents, the opposite sex, same sex, etc. This can still have some negative affects in our lives.

It’s in our present time that God give us beauty, oil of gladness and a garment of praise. God wants to make each one of us beautiful from the inside out, not the other way around. True joy can only come from God. We must literally clothe ourselves in praise. Every morning we decide what to wear. In the same way we must decide to put on the garment of praise on a daily basis.

Our future consists of being called righteousness and the Lord will put us on display. The people of the Lord then will be called “oaks of righteousness.” We are to be strong witnesses “of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” Our lives should reflect God.

You may have felt like your life was ugly and insignificant. Let’s take a look at the ugly duckling story. It felt different and didn’t fit in with its current environment. But what happened as it matured? It became a beautiful swan and found it fit in with the other beautiful swans, more beautiful than the other ducks it once hung out with. So what is Moral of this story? Stop hanging around with the ugly ducks you used to hang out with.

Let’s look at those relationships that you got yourself into. You are going to attract those that have the same spirit as you. So if you are negative, critical and mean, well guess what? Those are the type of people that will be attracted to you. If you are all about materialistic things, promiscuity or care-free, than those are the kind of flies that you will be attracting your way! Aren’t you tired of attracting and having to swat away those annoying flies?

With a new spiritual make-over, you are called to hang around beautiful swans just like you are! And when your beauty radiates, you will be displaying God’s splendor in your life. What a great future to look forward to. The people you will start attracting will be good, positive and full of life. Surround yourself with godly men and women that will speak and be a blessing to you.

Imagine yourself in a BEFORE picture and then after God gets done with you, you have your AFTER picture of your spiritual make-over. The best thing about a spiritual make-over is that you are not only changed on the outside, but most importantly you are changed in the inside where it counts the most in God’s eyes. You are BEUATIFUL, you are BLESSED, and you are HIGHLY FAVORED by Almighty God!

What Does The Bible Say About Dating?

My favorite class to teach is on dating and relationships. In my introduction class, I gave the assignment to find scriptures in the bible about dating. When the class met again, I found it interesting that some of the people came up with scriptures they thought was specific for dating. However, this was a trick question that I had asked them. The truth was the word “DATING” is not anywhere in the bible. There are no verses in the bible that is specifically on dating. No one dated in the bible times. There were only pre-arranged marriages as dating was not allowed during that era.

I did a research on the word dating and found that it originated in the United States. This popular custom did not occur in other parts of the world. Dating has become the norm for our society and slowly creeping into cultures throughout the world.

Whether we want to believe it or not, there are gray areas in the bible. Dating is one of them. Because this originated in today’s society, it wouldn’t be in the bible. So, what are Christians supposed to do? The only answer is to rely on the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit will guide, counsel and convict us in the area of dating. If we don’t, then the dating standards will be the same as the world. Sometimes when we don’t understand the Holy Spirit, we need to have Spiritual teachers/mentors to help us when something is not clear. That extra audible voice can help us understand what to do.

Now, if there are no scriptures in the bible specifically for dating then what rules are we to follow? That is a good question! The bible gives great guidance in every area of our lives. There are scriptures that give many principles and promises that pertain to the practice of not only dating, but even in friendships. Let’s look at some scriptures that can be applied to this:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?  2 Corinthians 6:14 

Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character” – 1 Corinthians 15:33  

The integrity of the upright shall guide them: but the perverseness of transgressors shall destroy them – Proverbs 11:3  

Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, whether it be right – Proverbs 20:11 

I therefore…beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called – Ephesians 4:1 

But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse joking, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore, do not be partakers with them. – Ephesians 5:3-7 

    

Romans 6:12, 13 – Do not let sin control the way you live; do not give into its lustful desires. Do not let any part of your body become a tool of wickedness, to be used for sinning. Instead, give yourselves completely to God since you have been given new life. And use your whole body as a tool to do what is right for the glory of God. 

There have been great controversies in the Christian environment whether Christians should really date or not. It doesn’t matter if some think that Christians should only be courting not dating. If our society accepts dating as normal, then the single people will do it anyways. The new generation thinks courtship is old school and is stupid. So, instead of trying to have them adjust to old traditions, let’s find ways to help and guide them to good dating practices. With the Bible, the Holy Spirit, and Spiritual mentors, Christians can have good dating experiences that are separate from the world and pleasing to God.